sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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