I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
my poor anus
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
