why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
