its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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