words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
