Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
