She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
