i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
