Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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