I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
