Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
