IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
