took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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