so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
