I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
