I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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