Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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