dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
