can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
