Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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