its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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