I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize