She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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