The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
