She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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