I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
