i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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