that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
barbara walters just said penis...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
