my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
