The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
