i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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