I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
