He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
