drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
