Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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