i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
