well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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