Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
