How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
