Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
