I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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