There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
