legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
