Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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