I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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