Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
