Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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