Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
