broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
