Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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