I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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