I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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