I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
