I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
