gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize