I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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