R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
