Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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