Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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