just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
