I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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